In My Dreams, I’m a Runner

Every so often since my back injury in March of 2010, I really miss running and being able to call myself a runner. I miss it everyday, but by really missing it, I mean I have a deep yearning to be able to do it again. Some times, the fact that I cannot gets me upset and I have to distract myself from that line of thinking. I have to remind myself that I’ve achieved and done so much regardless of whether or not I’m a “real” runner anymore.

This very feeling and upset hit me during Tuesday’s 3-miler. I was out on the road pushing myself to walk as fast as I could, and after seeing a couple of others running, I had an overwhelming feeling that something had been taken away from me. I can only compare it to your mom and dad giving you this great present that you have been yearning for and then once you really begin to enjoy playing with it, they take it back and explain that it’s no longer yours for the keeping. That feeling of hurt is intense deep inside of you. It stings of betrayal and upset.

While I know that running isn’t necessarily a gift that was given to me, it was something that I thought for most of my life that I could never do. I would see other people out running and think that they were crazy and not understand why these people would want to run for fun. But, that all changed after I went through my weight loss journey. I wanted to be active and get out there fitness-wise. When I started the Couch to 5k plan in late 2009, I was not even sure if I could be a runner. Slowly but surely however, I began to see that I could do what I previously thought was unattainable. I was pushing my body and mind to do this sport that was not easy, but it was turning out to be exhilarating. Upon returning from the run-walk sessions, I felt so accomplished and knew that I was capable of so much.

When I was told in April of 2010 that I had herniated my back and would I have to give up this thing that I had started to really love, it was devastating. It took me some time to even accept that my running days, even though they were short were over. I guess I’ve truly never accepted it in all honesty. Sure, I can put on a happy face that I’m okay with just power walking the races and just being out there doing them, but that’s just a facade. I still hope deep down inside of me that some great guaranteed surgical procedure comes along and that I can again be a runner. In the meanwhile, I remain thankful that I can at least walk as I know there are people out there who can’t even do that. Also, I dream, and in my dreams, I’m a runner.